Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Thinking too much again.

I have this thing, I've mentioned before, about their being a certain point of separation between different stages in life. A sort-of 'No Man's Land'.

It's hard to tell at the moment whether I'm just coming up to another one in a series of little breaks, or whether the last few years have sort of been one big learning curve.

The thing that is bothering me most at the moment; the thing that gets me most frustrated, feeling most useless, most upset and hopeless, is standing still. These days, I have to feel productive and motivated and have some sort of affect in working toward the kind of life I want for myself.

I think this is why I don't have a lot of sympathy for people sometimes, empathy - yes, but not so much on the sympathy. Basically, I understand, I just don't care. A lot of people I've met recently have had a very 'poor me' attitude about them. They hate their life, but resign themselves to it remaining the same. That is my pet hate - People who could be in a better situation, contributing more, making themselves a more high value person. Instead they complain and never do anything to change it. And the thing is... in some situations, you can't help yourself and you have to rely on things changing, time passing and people caring enough to get you through. Losing a loved one is like that, being through some kind of trauma is another. I find its the people who have been through things like that, and actually have something to complain about, are the ones who don't complain at all. I think they find strength and drive to stand up on their own and make their own way toward being happy.

I find those sort of people really admirable, and I strive to be like that everyday. Getting back to my original point - the issue is, a lot of my resolutions tend to stay in my head. Finding the motivation to be motivated [oh what a convoluted mess] is often the hardest thing. I've come to the point where I know I need to work toward being happy and I know what will get me there.

But... most of the time, all I want to do is exist.
breathe and sleep and eat.
I'm content enough, for the most part.

I don't want to have to work to survive, to pay rent and bills and be a part of the 'real world'. I don't want to have to take care of anyone but me, I don't want to be someone that someone else worries about. I don't want the pressure and the responsibility. I don't want expectations placed upon me. It makes me nervous, I don't want someone to be disappointed if I say the wrong thing, or don't want to get out of bed somedays. I don't want to have to be social unless it's going to make me feel good. I'm happy to be at home, alone, breathing and sleeping and eating. Being alone required less effort. And I am essentially a lazy person.

The thing that drives me, is loneliness. I want to be worth something to someone. To be worth something, I have to be a part of the real world that valuable people live in. This is what drives me. And this is my learning curve.

Right now I'm just floating around after a series of little disconnections, in No Man's Land, but I'm learning, and eventually I'll land in the real world. I'll work and pay bills. I'll have more confidence and take comfort in caring about people, and having them care for me. Some people might call this 'growing the fuck up'.

Although I say I don't want to have to work, the concept of a career has always been important to me, art and literature and teaching, that's where my pride has been. It's something I've always been good at and as such, deserved to be a part of [as opposed to relationships and the world at large. In that regards, I have the self esteem of a fat-kid at swimming classes].

I think since the career thing has.. stalled, I've become lonelier, I don't have my goals to keep me company. I don't think it's a coincidence that uni life went down the drain about the same time as my relationship with The Ex.

So anyway, my point is... I often wonder whether people find it easier just to.. be a part of the 'real world'. To me, it feels like a chore, an effort. I know I think too much, but that's essentially where my thoughts have been since I was a kid. Everything was too hard, it used to make me feel so sad and tired, getting up in the morning for school was draining, doing homework was suffocating. As I got into art and literature, even though I enjoyed it, it still feels like effort, and I want to just go back to vegetating alone, breathing eating sleeping and all that.

I think I've sort of... always been in Neutral. Hmm.... you can't half tell I'm learning to drive with all these metaphors going on. Continuing on with the driving metaphor - After the house fire, I sort of slipped into 1st and then 2nd gear, I moved to Sydney, had a relationship with The Ex [however, I became completely dependent], broke off that relationship, got a job and my own place and got independent. Then I stalled, as I've said.

And we get back to where I am now. I'm trying to be a better person - the car is started but I'm still in neutral, if you will. At least now, I feel the NEED to be driven, motivated, productive. I need to be going somewhere.

I need to make my connection with the real world. There's some pleasant static out here in No Man's Land.. but it's lonely. There's things I want in life.

All I need is that motivation to get motivated.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008


I can feel M's breath against my neck, his lips hovering over my skin. He doesn't make eye contact, he holds his weight above my body, lingering for a moment, waiting for my reaction. I answer his prompting with my hands, sliding them up his sides and over his back. Urged on by my touch, M lowers his body atop of mine. I feel his weight against me and the warmth of his face for just a moment before his lips descend toward me.

M's kisses are hungry and taste faintly sweet amongst the mingle of that 'manly' taste. I trace my tongue along his bottom lip, sliding my hands underneath his shirt and up his back. I shiver as I feel him. Hard. Pressing into me. Between my legs. As I wrap them around his.

His lips trail off toward my ear, nibbling my earlobe and down my neck.His hand cups my breast, I have a fleeting thought of insecurity at their size but M's lips and tongue feel hot on my skin and I whimper softly. I move one of my hands out of his shirt and tangle my fingers in his hair as his kisses drift lower, across my collar bone and down the middle off my chest. His hands move to unbutton my blouse, and he pulls the top of my strapless dress down a little, kissing across my chest and the top of my breasts. I urge him on with my hands, dragging my fingernails softly down his back as I breathe an almost inaudible moan. M's hands are on me again, eager, pulling my dress down to my waist, pushing my bra aside. His tongue slides down between my breasts. I gasp as he blows cool air across my skin and follows it up with his warm tongue sliding side to side, teasing each nipple in turn. They harden in the cool air. He traces his tongue around my left nipple, a light, barely there touch. The subtlety of the contact is immediately contrasted by the feel of his wet, hot lips wrapping around it, pulling back gently.

M knows I can almost climax from this, the heat and pressure of his tongue and lips on my sensitive nipples. Kissing each nipple and then sucking it softly, he looks up at me. I watch his movements, moaning with each touch and flick of his tongue. M suddenly stops, I gasp in protest.
M smiles a devious, intensely sexual smile. I like it a lot. His hand slides up my inner thigh, caressing me so closely but not quite. His fingertips trace around, up and down the crease of each thigh, I wriggle my hips. I want him to touch me. M knows it. He keeps his face so close to mine I can feel his breath. He kisses the hotspot underneath my ear, and then the base of my neck on the other side. He slides his tongue down. Again so close but not quite, it drives my crazy.

"You're a naughty girl", he teases me. He knows I've always been very well behaved, but probably not by choice. I laugh, the atmosphere is unusual. It's so sexually charged, but so comfortable its almost...friendly.

M looks back up at me. "Have you been thinking about.. me kissing you?".
On the phone I told M I'd never really been gone down on properly. He told me he'd love to 'give me kisses'. M is one of those very very lovely men who actually enjoys the feel and taste of a woman on his lips and tongue.

I nod and tell him that I always think about it whenever I need something to turn me on and get me hot. He kisses down my chest, pushing my dress down further. As his teasing fingertips finally move between my legs, he says "You want me to give you kisses?". Its not a question. His tone is teasing, he knows I want it, he wants to hear me say it. He pulls away from me, his hand sliding up to pinch and tease my nipple. In a breathy moan, all I manage is a shy "Mmmyes..."

M's lips move lower and lower and his hands slip underneath my dress, he squeezes my thighs before pulling on the top of my tights, quickly pushing them down my legs and away. He leaves a trail of kisses on my inner thigh starting near my knee, I visibly shudder. He gets closer and closer, and I feel his warm tongue sliding across my skin.

His voice is low, still teasing but somehow the heat in his voice makes it sound more demanding. "Can I give you kisses baby, is that what you want?".
As M's lips brush over my underwear, my breath catches and I moan, almost whimper

" I want to feel it. Ohhhh, pleaaassse."


Ah well there you go. One of the main points of the M story - a first time of sorts. There will be more as I can be bothered updating but for now, I'm bored of M. (This may or may not have something to do with not being in contact in the last month or so, after keeping some kind of connection for over a year since the above events).

But anyway, long story short on that one - I think it was 4 maybe 5 times that night and once in the morning. 4/5 times for him and 7/8 nearly-there-not-quite-just-kinda's for me. However it was still very good and he was the only guy to even get me close that much. Actually I think I came while on top at some stage. Anyway. There was much fun had that night.

Getting off (pun not intended) that topic - I'm kind of swinging between so positive about things and crashing completely. Sort of like "It'll be fine, something will work out, something will come up" to "My plans are fucked I will never get back to uni, I will never get my life on track, I will die alone or the unsatisfied wife of a bogan with a v8 sedan".

Not that I don't love me a V8 sedan, but there is much to see and do out there before resigning one's self to certain options. I wanna be a little fish in a big pond for a while. Golly I love that metaphor don't I.

On the upside -
I've started drawing again. I will be posting things as they become satisfactory.
I've decided to sharehouse next year, might stay with Satin for a few months while I get things organized.
I've gotten back into the swing of intelligent conversation thanks to debates about the judicial system and censorship laws in Australia (a looong post for another time).
My delightful nephew, my little Mustard, turned 1 this week.

On the downside -
Can't get driving lessons until after New Year.
Male parental unit will be in town for a month over Xmas.. domestics will ensue.
The only interview I had this week for a job had over 80 applicants, and theres not much else going. Funds situation is dire. Looks like I'm biting the bullet and becoming a waitress again.