Tuesday, December 9, 2008

Thinking too much again.

I have this thing, I've mentioned before, about their being a certain point of separation between different stages in life. A sort-of 'No Man's Land'.

It's hard to tell at the moment whether I'm just coming up to another one in a series of little breaks, or whether the last few years have sort of been one big learning curve.

The thing that is bothering me most at the moment; the thing that gets me most frustrated, feeling most useless, most upset and hopeless, is standing still. These days, I have to feel productive and motivated and have some sort of affect in working toward the kind of life I want for myself.

I think this is why I don't have a lot of sympathy for people sometimes, empathy - yes, but not so much on the sympathy. Basically, I understand, I just don't care. A lot of people I've met recently have had a very 'poor me' attitude about them. They hate their life, but resign themselves to it remaining the same. That is my pet hate - People who could be in a better situation, contributing more, making themselves a more high value person. Instead they complain and never do anything to change it. And the thing is... in some situations, you can't help yourself and you have to rely on things changing, time passing and people caring enough to get you through. Losing a loved one is like that, being through some kind of trauma is another. I find its the people who have been through things like that, and actually have something to complain about, are the ones who don't complain at all. I think they find strength and drive to stand up on their own and make their own way toward being happy.

I find those sort of people really admirable, and I strive to be like that everyday. Getting back to my original point - the issue is, a lot of my resolutions tend to stay in my head. Finding the motivation to be motivated [oh what a convoluted mess] is often the hardest thing. I've come to the point where I know I need to work toward being happy and I know what will get me there.

But... most of the time, all I want to do is exist.
breathe and sleep and eat.
I'm content enough, for the most part.

I don't want to have to work to survive, to pay rent and bills and be a part of the 'real world'. I don't want to have to take care of anyone but me, I don't want to be someone that someone else worries about. I don't want the pressure and the responsibility. I don't want expectations placed upon me. It makes me nervous, I don't want someone to be disappointed if I say the wrong thing, or don't want to get out of bed somedays. I don't want to have to be social unless it's going to make me feel good. I'm happy to be at home, alone, breathing and sleeping and eating. Being alone required less effort. And I am essentially a lazy person.

The thing that drives me, is loneliness. I want to be worth something to someone. To be worth something, I have to be a part of the real world that valuable people live in. This is what drives me. And this is my learning curve.

Right now I'm just floating around after a series of little disconnections, in No Man's Land, but I'm learning, and eventually I'll land in the real world. I'll work and pay bills. I'll have more confidence and take comfort in caring about people, and having them care for me. Some people might call this 'growing the fuck up'.

Although I say I don't want to have to work, the concept of a career has always been important to me, art and literature and teaching, that's where my pride has been. It's something I've always been good at and as such, deserved to be a part of [as opposed to relationships and the world at large. In that regards, I have the self esteem of a fat-kid at swimming classes].

I think since the career thing has.. stalled, I've become lonelier, I don't have my goals to keep me company. I don't think it's a coincidence that uni life went down the drain about the same time as my relationship with The Ex.

So anyway, my point is... I often wonder whether people find it easier just to.. be a part of the 'real world'. To me, it feels like a chore, an effort. I know I think too much, but that's essentially where my thoughts have been since I was a kid. Everything was too hard, it used to make me feel so sad and tired, getting up in the morning for school was draining, doing homework was suffocating. As I got into art and literature, even though I enjoyed it, it still feels like effort, and I want to just go back to vegetating alone, breathing eating sleeping and all that.

I think I've sort of... always been in Neutral. Hmm.... you can't half tell I'm learning to drive with all these metaphors going on. Continuing on with the driving metaphor - After the house fire, I sort of slipped into 1st and then 2nd gear, I moved to Sydney, had a relationship with The Ex [however, I became completely dependent], broke off that relationship, got a job and my own place and got independent. Then I stalled, as I've said.

And we get back to where I am now. I'm trying to be a better person - the car is started but I'm still in neutral, if you will. At least now, I feel the NEED to be driven, motivated, productive. I need to be going somewhere.

I need to make my connection with the real world. There's some pleasant static out here in No Man's Land.. but it's lonely. There's things I want in life.

All I need is that motivation to get motivated.

1 comment:

Faker said...

I know how you feel. I want that motivation for me to kick start my life. Its just I don't know how! I am looking forward to a change in the new year and hopefully it'll be good!