Todays Thought.

In an effort toward blogging more regularly, I'm going to try make entries brief and succinct.

Today, I'm working on my studio project, which has me thinking about what I mentioned in my last blog; the ways in which people construct their own identity.

So far from what I've learned, going through this whole process of getting referred to a clinical psychologist, there's a affective connection between thought, feeling and action/event. So basically, if something happens to you, the way you THINK about it, will affect the way you feel about it. But also, if you feel a certain way it will affect the way you think, and what you DO because of those thoughts.

So anyway, point of the story, I wonder whether the identity people create for themselves, these little superficial embellishments and put-on behaviours, are any less "real".
And if you can really affect the way you feel and behave through what you THINK, does that mean that all your thoughts can be determined by what you think you SHOULD think (in terms of denying negative thoughts in favour of healthy thought patterns, even if you've learnt to have a negative view on certain things through experience or different values)? Wouldn't that mean that you don't really have a true sense of self because if you can change how you think and how you feel and how you act, and its all meant to be a healthy way of going about life, aren't you really just changing your whole persona?

So, Big Suprise.

That last one did a number on me. I mean, that kid fucked me up. But..it'll pass, they always do. This one just makes it difficult because he insists on hanging around. After relying on him so much I can't quite muster the heart to tell him to go jump. But we will see. I refuse to think anymore about it today.

Basically, a bit of an all time low happening. I'm so inundated with uni work and actual paying work that writing is taking a backseat for now. But I'll get back into it soon... After losing the plot a little over the past few months.. I have my first appointment with a psych tommorrow, I'm hoping to avoid medication, and I think that should be a successful mission and life will hopefully return to normal.

Anyway, I'm working on some pretty interesting stuff in my studio class at the moment, stemming from that project around that nightlife/cultural suburb project. Here's the outline for my semesters work.


My work for this semester deals with the idea of “Constructed Identity” and how this functions as a mask or armour. Constructed Identity is the behaviours, attitudes and appearances that a person “tries on” in order to protect themself, and make themself more appealing or interesting to other people; it is a way of beautifying and enhancing their everyday character. As such, Constructed Identity can be seen as armour, or a mask. Youth Culture especially utilizes this superficiality in their social engagements, through embellishing and exaggerating their character.

This includes but is not limited to
• Makeup and fashion/style.
• Expressions of aggression to illustrate a sense of strength and righteousness, superiority.
• Expressions of sexuality to illustrate a sense of desirability and worth.
• Engaging in “mob mentality” behaviour, such as reckless sexual decision-making, substance use, or on the tamer end, clubbing or participating in a “scene”.
• Social Networking – Online.

Panic.

I can't do this. I want to go home.

Help...

So.. I've been so busy settling in to uni and city life.. I've sort of forgotten to.. do my assignments.

Good News is, I've got a job, and another trial on Tuesday. Bad news is I have review on Monday and 2 research papers due Friday.

Now review is where all the artsy students get together with a panel of judges/teachers and our work, and they tell us where we are succeeding and what needs to be worked on before assessment, in a weeks time.

Here's the problem.. I started one piece of work, it failed, and I haven't found anything else to work with. We need to have 6 completed peices of work.....

Basically, I'm fucked.

The project is meant to be based around/drawn from a certain area in this city, which is sort of where the nightlife is, the subcultures, countercultures and "foreign" cultres flourish, and yet it's directly opposite the City itself, so there is an influx of business/corporation. Oh, it's also where the cities art galleries, library and performative arts centres are.

I'm new to the city, I've had fuck-all to do with this suburb. The only thing I find interesting is the multiplicty of cultures and the different patterns I've found in the area.. now HOW do I make that into another 5 pieces of work!?!

Just so you know.

I know I've said some things that might give you an opposite impression (but hey, you've done that to me). This is not nearly as much about you as it is my pathological desire for drama and something to feel about. You and I don't run nearly as deep as my need to convince myself that my connection to another person could be intense and somehow special.

I've always wanted something about me to just be special.





...LADYHAWKE...

Late night, waiting by the phone
Tonight waiting for an answer
Heartbeat drumming double time
I need one more chance to be near you

Still hanging on (for what)
Can’t operate (fired up)
I won’t eat and I won't sleep for you yeah
No rest till I (get through)
Cause I’m holding out (for you)
Am I the only one who’s insane

Hey you’re playing with my delirium
And the longer I wait the harder I’m gonna fall
Stop playing with my delirium
Cause I’m outta my head and outta my self control

Deluded.

Well as it worked out, he picked her but she didn't pick him. And he still doesn't want me. Pretty much anything I thought was going has just been all in my imagination.

So "friends" it is. "With Benefits", if I want. Ugh. It would basically be all the relationship-y stuff when we're together, minus the title. Plus the option to see other people/look for more viable relationship options. Kinda seems clear I'm not that kinda material to him. Whatever.

I met another guy. He seems sweet, keeps me behaving myself, considering I have no self-control. We'll see what happens I suppose.

Both know about me seeing other people, and are fine with it considering they either want sex or are just taking it slow and it's nothing serious yet.

Sorry for the incredibly self absorbed posts it seems I come up with. I'm just trying to figure out whether something casual "in the mean time" is going to make me happy until something real materializes.

And Again.

Finally I have a thought in my head worth sharing. It's been a while.

This is sort of a continuation of the blog posts on motivation and self reliance.

I've mentioned the trouble I have with getting up in the morning, getting excited about every day, or any day for that matter.

Yesterday I had a fantastic day. It capped off a very busy week, with moving and everything. I've been up early every morning (nearly), organizing bank accounts and timetables and furniture and other very student-ish issues. It feels sooo good to be part of the real world again. To be motivated and even LOOK FORWARD to doing something productive. After this I'm off to buy some new sneakers to kick start my exercise regime, yes I'm THAT motivated.

I even invited a friend over last night and made her dinner and a chocolate cake, because she has been having a rough time lately.
I even continue talking to someone who's tearing me up a little, messing with my head (however unintentional, he's still aware) because he needs a friend right now with all his health issues.

It feels good to put in effort... and not just for myself, for someone else. I've had a smile on my face and its pure elation, it feels like body expands and swells with the good vibration of every little achievement and spent effort.

However the hyper-sensitivity also extends to the not so pleasant emotions. I am homesick. I am confused. I am lonely. I am at a loss as to how I present myself as someone of worth. I am working toward actually being a useful and positive member of humanity. But I am overwhelmed.

I lose faith in people sometimes because I realise that not everyone strives to be better. Some people are happy to gain for them self only. Some people are unaware that although they offer a desirable pay off in return for something they want, sometimes..what they are offering is not the be-all and end-all. Some people want and deserve a little bit more.

I still need sex. I could very easily have had my way many times in the last few weeks. But that is all he offers, and I want more. And the "more" belongs to someone else. And "someone else" is one of those people who are happy to gain for only them self, who want the best of both worlds.

And I wonder how he picks her. And I can't wait until this is just another distant memory of a time I was a silly little girl who took these things to heart.

Finally Updating Again.

Oops, I kinda disappeared.

A lot has been happening here, it's been a bit frantic but it looks like things are getting on track. I am 18 hours of practise away from getting my license. I got into my first preference university. I am moving to the city next Wednesday.

I am completely and utterly terrifed. I'm getting back to independence. I don't really feel like I'm working toward anything, but things are happening, its nice.

For the last 2 months I've been waitressing, I've now got a couple of grand in savings, as well as the car I bought. I'm almost on my feet. It's a good feeling. Except that I have no job where I'm going, and no permanent place to live. Thats a bit of a worry, but we will see.

In other news, I haven't been laid in 4 months. By choice.

It's sort of spirit building and soul destroying at the same time. I'm trying to establish myself as a higher value person. If supply exceeds demand then things get a little cheapened, I guess. I wanna be happy with what I'm doing. I don't want to be ashamed of myself when it comes to someone I care about in the future. But I will continue doing what makes me happy and satisfied. Right now... God I need sex.

Hopefully there are many new opportunities and possibilities when I move, a change is what I need.

Right now, I'll have a drink and toast to the fact I'm in the car, keys in the ignition, I'm about to start it up and go somewhere.

And hopefully have sex in the backseat when I get there.