Thursday, February 26, 2009

And Again.

Finally I have a thought in my head worth sharing. It's been a while.

This is sort of a continuation of the blog posts on motivation and self reliance.

I've mentioned the trouble I have with getting up in the morning, getting excited about every day, or any day for that matter.

Yesterday I had a fantastic day. It capped off a very busy week, with moving and everything. I've been up early every morning (nearly), organizing bank accounts and timetables and furniture and other very student-ish issues. It feels sooo good to be part of the real world again. To be motivated and even LOOK FORWARD to doing something productive. After this I'm off to buy some new sneakers to kick start my exercise regime, yes I'm THAT motivated.

I even invited a friend over last night and made her dinner and a chocolate cake, because she has been having a rough time lately.
I even continue talking to someone who's tearing me up a little, messing with my head (however unintentional, he's still aware) because he needs a friend right now with all his health issues.

It feels good to put in effort... and not just for myself, for someone else. I've had a smile on my face and its pure elation, it feels like body expands and swells with the good vibration of every little achievement and spent effort.

However the hyper-sensitivity also extends to the not so pleasant emotions. I am homesick. I am confused. I am lonely. I am at a loss as to how I present myself as someone of worth. I am working toward actually being a useful and positive member of humanity. But I am overwhelmed.

I lose faith in people sometimes because I realise that not everyone strives to be better. Some people are happy to gain for them self only. Some people are unaware that although they offer a desirable pay off in return for something they want, sometimes..what they are offering is not the be-all and end-all. Some people want and deserve a little bit more.

I still need sex. I could very easily have had my way many times in the last few weeks. But that is all he offers, and I want more. And the "more" belongs to someone else. And "someone else" is one of those people who are happy to gain for only them self, who want the best of both worlds.

And I wonder how he picks her. And I can't wait until this is just another distant memory of a time I was a silly little girl who took these things to heart.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Finally Updating Again.

Oops, I kinda disappeared.

A lot has been happening here, it's been a bit frantic but it looks like things are getting on track. I am 18 hours of practise away from getting my license. I got into my first preference university. I am moving to the city next Wednesday.

I am completely and utterly terrifed. I'm getting back to independence. I don't really feel like I'm working toward anything, but things are happening, its nice.

For the last 2 months I've been waitressing, I've now got a couple of grand in savings, as well as the car I bought. I'm almost on my feet. It's a good feeling. Except that I have no job where I'm going, and no permanent place to live. Thats a bit of a worry, but we will see.

In other news, I haven't been laid in 4 months. By choice.

It's sort of spirit building and soul destroying at the same time. I'm trying to establish myself as a higher value person. If supply exceeds demand then things get a little cheapened, I guess. I wanna be happy with what I'm doing. I don't want to be ashamed of myself when it comes to someone I care about in the future. But I will continue doing what makes me happy and satisfied. Right now... God I need sex.

Hopefully there are many new opportunities and possibilities when I move, a change is what I need.

Right now, I'll have a drink and toast to the fact I'm in the car, keys in the ignition, I'm about to start it up and go somewhere.

And hopefully have sex in the backseat when I get there.