Thursday, February 26, 2009

And Again.

Finally I have a thought in my head worth sharing. It's been a while.

This is sort of a continuation of the blog posts on motivation and self reliance.

I've mentioned the trouble I have with getting up in the morning, getting excited about every day, or any day for that matter.

Yesterday I had a fantastic day. It capped off a very busy week, with moving and everything. I've been up early every morning (nearly), organizing bank accounts and timetables and furniture and other very student-ish issues. It feels sooo good to be part of the real world again. To be motivated and even LOOK FORWARD to doing something productive. After this I'm off to buy some new sneakers to kick start my exercise regime, yes I'm THAT motivated.

I even invited a friend over last night and made her dinner and a chocolate cake, because she has been having a rough time lately.
I even continue talking to someone who's tearing me up a little, messing with my head (however unintentional, he's still aware) because he needs a friend right now with all his health issues.

It feels good to put in effort... and not just for myself, for someone else. I've had a smile on my face and its pure elation, it feels like body expands and swells with the good vibration of every little achievement and spent effort.

However the hyper-sensitivity also extends to the not so pleasant emotions. I am homesick. I am confused. I am lonely. I am at a loss as to how I present myself as someone of worth. I am working toward actually being a useful and positive member of humanity. But I am overwhelmed.

I lose faith in people sometimes because I realise that not everyone strives to be better. Some people are happy to gain for them self only. Some people are unaware that although they offer a desirable pay off in return for something they want, sometimes..what they are offering is not the be-all and end-all. Some people want and deserve a little bit more.

I still need sex. I could very easily have had my way many times in the last few weeks. But that is all he offers, and I want more. And the "more" belongs to someone else. And "someone else" is one of those people who are happy to gain for only them self, who want the best of both worlds.

And I wonder how he picks her. And I can't wait until this is just another distant memory of a time I was a silly little girl who took these things to heart.


Sean said...


Received your comment. I'd agree that maybe your blog isn't for everyone..especially after reading some of your previous posts. I guess though that I am not everyone because I found them very well written and very racy at times. But most of all your style is very unique and original and most of all, it comes off as very genuine.

New sneakers huh? DREAM BIG! Just kidding. I think it's great that you are splurging a bit on yourself, from reading this latest post about being "lonely", "homesick" and "confused", I think investing in something new is something that might turn those feelings around. And an exercise regime will definitely get you feeling better about yourself if that truly is an issue.

From what I have been able to gather so far is that you have moved away from family for school. So live it up and make the most of it. Organizing bank accounts/furniture and all of that is great but don't get too old before your time, make sure you seize the present moments.

As for losing faith in others, it's definitely understandable, atleast from what you write towards the end. You hit the nail right on the head...that some people only want for themselves. But don't let one bad apple spoil the rest.

Great post cannot wait until the next one! Have an awesome day!

Sean said...


...I bet they are some sweet sneakers though!

Sean said...

Haha, your thrifty-ness amuses me! Do the new shoes have the Velcro straps like the ones I used to wear back in kindergarten?

On a much more serious note I'm Canadian. Even though here we use the word "Gas" more so than petrol too.

I think from reading some of your info/blogs if I'm not mistaken you are from Australia, so your walk along the river must have been in nice temperatures. Here it's like -20(celcius) today so not too much walking going on.

Enjoy your Saturday evening/Sunday!!!

Sean said...


University again huh? Multiple degrees, or just a continuation of the first one?

I didn't do too much this weekend, like I said it was pretty cold. I had hockey which is always nice, but beyond that the weekend wasn't overly exciting.

I am jealous of your hot weather! Although sometimes it can be way too hot and get uncomfortable which isn't always a good thing. Which part of Australia?

Your shoes do sound pretty fly so if you got them for cheap, it sounds like you came away like a bandit.

Too bad about the walk being cut short and sorry to hear about the uphill part being a tough. A couple more times though and you'll be jogging back up the hill!

Hope the week is off to a great start!